Day 45 of my full-time mission
Area: Afton, Wyoming

It’s 8:30 a.m. I read in Ether (chapters 1 to 6) and Mark (chapters 10 to 16) this morning. The Lord I truly wonderful. He has all power and all wisdom. The brother of Jared had so much faith in him that he was shown Jesus Christ and also everything from Adam to the end of the world. Can you imagine? That is so amazing. Again in that passage of scripture, we’re promised if we have a broken heart and a contrite spirit and faith, God will manifest hidden things unto us. And here I can’t even get an answer to a prayer to know if these things are true. Sure I feel they area, but I don’t have that sure knowledge. I just don’t know what to do. I’m fasting right now. All I want is a simple answer. I guess I don’t really know how to pray.

I just read back a ways and read what I wrote on July 9, 1989. How can I bounce back and forth like this? “Yup, the Lord answers prayers,” and “I can’t get a simple answer to my prayer?” I don’t understand. The thought came to me while I was praying earlier that Satan is doing everything he can to keep me from getting this answer about the Book of Mormon and A Marvelous Work… The dumb thing is that I feel that it’s true, maybe I don’t need a manifestation. But I don’t see why the Lord wouldn’t bless his servant who really was searching with something like that, just a sure knowledge. This is going to bother me until I’m not an effective missionary because I’m not really sure that I know it’s true. Isn’t that awful? Yes!

Now go back and read on June 13, 1989 about Ashton’s talk. How can I feel this way now?

Now read June 10, 1989. How can my testimony waver like this? Just reading that makes me cry because it is true! But I still feel like I need that answer from Heavenly Father.

3:15 p.m. — I just finished the area book. It looks so nice! It’s lacking a little information and needs that to be brought up-do-date. But it sure looks nice and a lot more up-to-date than it was earlier.

We went proselyting for an hour or so this afternoon after we picked up the car from the shop and I got a haircut. We went grocery shopping this morning. I kind of feel bad because we’re really not doing missionary work, except the area book and organizing all the records in the apartment.

I feel kind of bad about not getting an answer to my prayers too, and maybe it’s because I’m being too demanding. I do have a testimony of the work. I guess that over these next few months I just need to work on prayer, my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Well, I need to study for a teaching appointment (discussion #4).

8 p.m. — We just got back from our discussion. It was nice. It’s always terrific to talk to the members. I got letters from Rachel and Kendra. They were great.

I’m still down about my ‘answer.’ I’m just going to study and keep praying.

I read in Ether 6 to 14. It’s amazing how much the Lord blesses His righteous, and persecutes the wicked. I may be righteous, but I sure don’t feel like He cares. Isn’t that awful? I just finished reading my journal from my Missionary Training Center (MTC) days. I felt the spirit so strongly there. Then I prayed. Still to no avail.

Tonight we did have a fun appointment. It was with the Raineys, but he was at his parent’s bailing hay. But we had a good talk with his wife and her niece and her two-year-old boy. The members are really supportive around here.

I’m pretty mad. I pumped up my bike tires today and the back stem was in crooked and the pressure caused it to be slit open. So now I’ve got a flat tire! That makes me so mad. Dad told me, “Son, you’ll spent a lot of money in this life to correct mistakes. Just count on throwing a lot down the drain.” (That was after the lawn mower incident.) One of the harsh realities of life. Wonderful mortality.

My Scripture: Ephesians 4:11-14 — And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints

These scriptures are helping me progress towards my mission bachelor’s, so I’m justifying any scripture, not just Book of Mormon ones.